“Déjà Vu All Over Again”: Learning Again a Lesson from Losing

I write in my testimony that my earlier marriage, parenting, and ministry failed, that it was because my understanding of Christian living and ministry was performance based – meaning that I was highly motivated to be the world’s best Christian, a Champion for Christ, and also that I depended hugely on hype and emotions (fear, guilt, and ego) to drive my performance at home and in the church. I have been in recovery from that failure for 33 years.

Now, as of recent, I must add to my testimony another failure: This one driven,
  • not just by a sensible need to be physically healthy, athletic, and without decline even into my later years (“strength unabated” as was Moses and Joshua), but 
  • by a stubborn desire to improve each year despite my age and family history. 
The problem was not that I made physical demands of myself but that I began in 2015 using a caffeine supplement to increase energy/metabolism which, according to doctors, caused a heart arrhythmia (A-Fib) and eventually a sudden onset of vertigo-type symptoms (the result of an injury [blood clot] to the part of the brain that controls balance). I have been in recovery for about four months and will need, I am told, another several months for my injury to heal.

From this experience I have learned (again) that the outcomes God gives are
  • not the result of heroic performances, but 
  • the result of taking time each day to include his Provisions of Grace into our lives, 
  • always redemptive (appropriate to and sufficient for our health and happiness),
  • according to his Law of Sowing and Reaping, and
  • always “without regret” (ametamélētos) (Romans 11:29). 
DonLoy Whisnant/The Grace Perspective/Journey Notes 16E28